Wednesday, 4 June 2008

It's against the natural instinct

worry is our natural instinct. To NOT to worry and to trust God is definitely against my natural body, psychological self. I am definitely fighting against my natural self now.
Felt more peaceful after last night prayer meeting. But today, the moment i stepped into office, it built up again. I am very stressed at work, too much backlog, not to mention reading and acting on all the emails! With emails i don't think it's an effective way of communication anymore. People write few emails to get something out of it, when meeting in person will address the problem there and then.
My manager asked me last week in the appraisal to feedback on his style of management. I have many things to say about his style of management but i couldn't say much when he was in front of me. I know i am a coward, or maybe i do not know how to speak diplomatically and i am not "polished". It comes with experience. My friend said if that's who everyone speak at workplace to get what they want out of it, i just have to learn the way they speak. That's manipulation. Is that hypocricy ? i asked myself.
There's such a thin line between being honest and being diplomatic. All i know is that my working environment people do not like yes and no answers and they don't speak like that. I have to read between the lines. I am tired of doing that.
Maybe.. maybe such bureacractic organisation really isn't my cup of tea. Now that i have done this kind of job, i know what it's like.
Or maybe i just don't know how to speak. Where can i go to learn about communication and words?
On climbing the career ladder and NHS job promotion, my friends said i have to find out what kind of qualities my manager is looking for. Is he looking for someone who can front? As in the face and mouth who can talk in meetings etcc... or is he looking for a doer, meaning a dog's body. Being in a different culture, i can rightly say i am more of a dog than a bird. So if i am a dog, no matter how hard or how bright( quoting from the words from my manager) i am, i will only stay as a bright dog. I won't be a bird. Unfortunately, in  life, people prefer birds than dogs. Birds normally delegate the work to the dogs and people don't see the dog, they only see the birds. It's more like bird with dog's body. How apt is my illustration!
Anyway, i told myself i shouldn't care. I should only BE and work like a christian, nevermind the politics and bureacracy. Jesus is coming back and i am definitely not ready if i occupy my whole life in this kind of bird and dogs politics.
I am now waiting for my PR and then i will resign. I will have to work in different setting and learn different skills, rather than saving money for NHS.

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