Maybe it's pscyhologically or physical, i am not sure. Psychological in the sense that i don't like my job, and hence psychologically i try to escape or deceive myself by not going to bed early.Or maybe i just have too many silly thoughts on my mind that i need a long long time to shut them down before i can actually sleep. Those two are maybes.. but what is definite is i am hooked on One million star Taiwan, 超級星光大道.
You can watch it on youtube.Which means my survival depends on a tube lately. It's like american pop idol. It's about shaping the star of tomorrow, over 6 months, they shortlisted 100 then to 40 then to 5 and so forth. It's the 3rd season now and over 100,000 from japan, taiwan etc.. applied! I must say it's a tough call... so much pressure... to perform, to be someone that you are not, to meet the requirement and standard of the judges in such a short time.
But i admire them. I admire them for the courage, perseverance to fulfill their dreams. I admire those who run after their dreams... when i don't even have one myself. Where is mine? I am almost 50% of my lifetime and i am still searching.
Maybe there isn't one. The ultimate dream is to live one day at a time and live this very second to the fullest.
I come to work feeling sleepy and tired, but when i go home and watch my favourite programme, one million star, i am energised. The reality of my life is not giving me the slightest fulfillment that i am relying on the programme to give me some, something that doesn't last. Is my addiction to programmes a disguise of my underlying emptiness and lost?
What is life about? Are the things that keep me awake disguising the anguish within me? My brother-in-law is in the form of ash. Can you comprehend that? Me, a human being, with emotions and talking etc... end up in ash/dust (depending which method ). Transient makes you hopeless, only when you are open to the possibility of eternal and resurrection, then there is some point in living..