Wednesday, 23 January 2008

We are living in the world of LIES

Lies , we are living in the world of lies. The most tragic part is that we don't even realised we are living in one. Advertisements deceive us into the things we think we need. More subtly, we are not able to communicate clearly what we really want to convey. Someone come to ask you if you like their dress, you clearly didn't think that dress flatters their shape, but you can't really say it's ugly. You have to think of ways to glaze the truth with honey, say it in a better way, or more subtle. Why? because we can't take in the truth, especially when it reveals our weaknesses. 

Another basic humanity is that when being confronted, our natural instinct and knee jerk reaction is to shift the blame, just like Adam, or tell lies to get away with it.

And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"

 12 The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."(Adam blaming God when being confronted)


The man said,
       "This is now bone of my bones
       and flesh of my flesh;
       she shall be called 'woman, [j] '
       for she was taken out of man."  when God gave Eve to Adam.

How classic. I can still see it being replayed everyday at work.Sinfulness simply mean not able to face our weaknesses as it is and own up to it. Lies, Disguise are all part of the game we always play.

It happens a lot especially in workplace....what i struggle in my workplace is to accept that people are the way they are, as hypocrite as they want to be, as selfish as they want to be, and i can't tell them what i think of them. I should not show my disapproval on my face nor should i communicate with that person what i can' t stand about them. To make the matter worst, i have to smile at them and chat as if we are the best of friends. YUCK. I am clearly a being with imperfection.I am clearly a hypocrite myself too! Can someone tell me what to do? Should i tell them on the face what i feel about them, tell them why i am so disgusted ?

The past two days have been manic. I admit, i am just weak, and i can't act as if i am calm and deep within, there' are lots of work to be done. Well i just feel overwhelmed. PLUS, i am not good at disguise,  everything on my face shows.

Where should i start, what really upsets me is the ugliness of human being revealed to me in meetings. In essence, at workplace, i find that people change their tune immediately when they are being confronted or challenged in meetings. People just utter lies to cover their back, sometimes at the expense of others. Well, as with life, all events are a matter of interpretation. Since this is my story, this is clearly my interpretation.

I had a meeting yesterday, with all consultants from hospital, GP, nurses, comissioners, public health on how we can improve diabetes care in an integrated and co-ordinated way. What really upset me was there was clearly no clear communication, especially from the chair of the meeting. (Welcome to the real world, will we ever learn how to communicate? )She is definitely not in my good book since i was a member of the meeting. Mainly because she is incongruent with what she says and not clear with her conclusion on matters. She speaks like a politician, if you know what i mean.

That's it. One more negative word from her and i was ready to fire, which i did. Being a member of the meeting for the past 9 months, and of course being me, i seldom say a word in the meeting. Historically, the meeting could finish without even hearing my voice basically. Woo hoo, but yesterday morning was different. I hate it when someone changed their tune in the meeting. Hypocrites!! I HATE HYPOCRITES who tweak their words to cover their back.

I couldn't hold it anymore and i just stopped the chair when she continued with her saga. Basically, it's about a project, or rather the possibility that can utilise pharmacists to look for (case find in posh term) patients with high risk of diabetes.There are a lot of undiagnosed diabetes in Islington and we need to do something to identify more diabetic patients. In September, i was asked to give a verbal update in the meeting on this project. I did.. it went flat on my face. I said estimated £10,000 for this project and the chair was rather impatient and said we haven't got the funding and it's useless to have a discussion without having a proper paper. Now, that is the chicken and egg story. I mean, who would worked up on a proposal when you know that it's not of interest of stakeholders in the first place? So i blatantly asked the group, are we likely to go ahead with this project ( so i don't waste any of my effort working on it). She answered :" case finding is a  priority, and we just need to see how this fits into the wider context and how this fit in with the other piece of work. I was asked to have conversations with public health and commissioning, whatever that means.

So i went away frustrated, because of how the chair chair the meeting. Why can't she just say no to me if this is not something she will think about? Just tell me in terms of priority, paying the pharmacists to find those undiagnosed diabetes is not on the menu. They prefer to pay the GPs to do it? Personal interpretation aside, i went away to do literature search, to find out if anyone has done anything simliar project to prove to the people that there is evidence that this works. Experience tells me when someone on higher up want to do something, it doesn't matter how well you do write your proposal or how robust your evidence is, it will go ahead. If this is not something they want to do, no matter how well your proposal is, it will still be in vain.

I went to organise a meeting and invite someone who has done similiar project some years ago, in Durham. I invited the public health rep, commissioning and consultants and nurses. What really frustrated me again, is that same public health rep didn't turn up again, for the second time. Not that i don't want to have conversations with her, she just doesn't have enough priority to attend the meeting. Pls note this person, she will appear again in my story.

I was told that this will not be in agenda prior to the meeting yesterday. But Alas, i was so naive! So i went to the meeting, not bringing paper from that guy who did the project Durham. Then, inevitably, the topic was brought up. The diabetes consultant told the group that i organised a meeting bla bla.. then the group was stirred. Then the chair said something along these lines : " i am not sure how the man got invovled, i am dubious about him etc. I was so furious. She said it like a 3rd party, as if i went away and did something on my own.

I stopped her, stared at her and said: " can i clarify something? this is clearly a communication issue here. I was told from the last meeting..etc... and i did ..etc.." Then she was surprised by my outburst and said :" i am not saying you didn't do your action point .. " The rest of the group was interested on the paper, how successful it was etc.. i mean come on, i just couldn't remember those figure from the top of my head because i didn't have my paper. In the end, the chair said, let's see how this fit into the wider context. I was like : Again?!!!!!! So we haven't really moved forward have we? A GP asked if someone is looking at that paper, and i can't believe this woman from public health, the woman who didn't attend any of my meeting said : " We are looking into it!" WHAT? That makes me a fool! How can she ever dare to say such thing when clearly she hasn't even been interested to attend the meeting! I kept quiet for the rest of the meeting.

Argh, lies. The chair twisting her words, and speak as though she has no knowledge of what i was doing, and what i did was clearly not been asked to feed into this wider group. So furious. My colleague said i looked as if i was going to explode when i made the statement. Lies, everyone say it because they want to be on good books, especially in meetings.

I hate liars. I hate sitting in meetings with a bunch of hypocrites.



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