today i asked God: " is this what it feels like to carry the cross? " Am i at the right place doing the right thing? How would i know? Maybe i should fast for a day or two and earnest seek God.
I can't go on like this. It's impossible to get my acts together, be highly motivated when within me, i am dead to my current job. Yes, this job provides me money, flexible hours, perfect job for woman who just want a salary, it's cushy and stress free. But i am not developing myself. This afternoon i sat in a meeting and find that i don't really need to be there. My deputy head is chairing the meeting and she is a pharmacist as well. Once again, i find that NHS-public sector does not make good use of their resources and duplication often happen. Sometimes i think. mainly because there is just not enough work for our department.
Am i helping the patients in this job i asked myself. Yes, i do meet the GPs once a year, i do monitor their prescribing, but that's mainly cost-effectiveness, in other words, on savings. As for as evidence is concerned, it applied to certain extent, but i only look at numbers and graph. That often is not the whole story. The other main bulk of my job is writing guidelines and policy, when half the time, it sits on the GP's shelf. It's just that for the sake of documentation purpose.
One of the main reason i am still in this job is because of my work permit. It will be 5 years next summer. But today, after asking myself several questions, i find that sitting here , when i am dead within me is no use. I can't let the working permit deter me. I also have the option of applying spouse visa.
I am not the only one feeling this way, the other colleague of mine is feeling the same too. So , i can verify that it's not me, it's the job. But i don't know where and what to move on to. Some people know whether they are going, but i don't.
I can't go on like this any more. So, i posted my CV in monster.co.uk. I wish someone can just sit down with me, dissect me and tell me what job is right for me. Can someone just match me and my job? Just like how God match me and my husband?