Friday, 21 September 2007

Fuming communication

nothing new, back to communication and still it's a lifelong learning. Communication breakdown is once again a reminder that this is a fallen world, humans are humans.The worst is when my message is not going through and there is really nothing else i can do to make the other party understand.

I am just fuming, so angry that i am at the verge of tears. Well this trait is definitely inherited from my mum. She tears when she is angry.

I still don't understand this attitude of the blaming .

Okay i am having some problem, so here i am telling you my problem. The last thing i expect from you as a listener is to turn round and say : " Why do you always fail in dealing with this kind of issue ? " " Why can't i trust you to deal with this?"

I am utterly disappointed and hurt. No more communication , i just can't talk any further to you -the "listener". That very minute i regretted making that call, i regretted sharing my misery and dilemma with you. Another punch, another blow on the face, another reminder that i have failed and i am not good enough. My mom never said that to me, who are you to say that?

That's enough. I am already fuming over my dealings with the company who responded me in a rude way and putting in writing that her lack of respect to me as a client was intended. When i share my disappointment with the "listener"( in inverted commas because to me, the "listener" was clearly not listening to my heartache), with a tiny hope that i can gain some comfort or at least some empathy, *Ouch* another blow.

I am not coming to you for a solution. Why can't you just empathise with me or at least listen to me? Not listening to my words, but listening to my heart, to listen to what my heart is feeling, my disappointment, my anger, my helplessness, my cry for comfort and consolation. I don't need you to tell me i am not good enough or i am a failure or i could have dealt with it better, I know all this. There is enough voices out there that tell me the same.Probably this is why i am hurting. It hurts to see myself in such a state, because i don't like what i see here. Do you not know that it is painful to see my own weakness and failure? Do you think i don't know that i could be better, or i could have dealt with it better? To put things into perspective, it's not my fault. The bank just didn't approve the transaction for security reason. That's why the payment was declined. The company didn't update my contact details when i informed them in writing of the changes of my contact details one year ago. That was why they were unable to contact me. Was i my fault that i didn't know the payment was declined in the first place?

It hurts even more when you can't feel what i am feeling, and place salt on my wound.

Am i not a victim here? Am i not a victim of the negligence of others? Why can't you feel what i am feeling? Why can't you forget about yourself and let go of your expectation of me for a moment and stand with me, feel with me, cry with me? Are your hands too short to reach and your heart too hardened to feel?

I feel so lonely but i know where to go : The Father's place. Jesus meets me where i am, He meets me in my weakness, and he knows i am far from perfect and i suffer from others' imperfection.

I, too have to let go of my disappointment. I may have done the same thing to others, not able to listen and feel for them and with them when they need me. I, too, have disappointed others.

The imperfection of human beings is real, the pain is real too. Yet, it doesn't stop there. There is hope, and as i grow in maturity spiritually and transformed in character, i can reconcile in forgiveness and let go of my hurt and be free from this vicious cycle of me being a victim and victimising others with what i have gone through. I find reconcilation in God's love, through Jesus and reflect that in my life.

Being is hard work.

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