Sometimes i wonder if God really exist.. sometimes i wonder if Jesus is really the son of God... and i ask God frankly... : " God do you exist? Where are you? "
I told God my struggle, i am spiritually dry, i talk to Him, i read the bible and i try to love God and people around me, sometimes i feel God's hand, sometimes i don't. Lately, i didn't.
I wonder is it because i am not holy enough? I have too much distraction maybe in my life? Maybe i watch too much TV. Maybe.
Today God slapped me in the face. I am awake to the reality of God.
We had a 2 weeks temp adminstrator. She sits opposite me. I seldom have conversation with her today. She is a Sri Lankan. The first thing that came to my mind was this: Another asian member in our team. Yes, we are the asian team, all my colleagues are indian/asian they call it, i am the only chinese.
Today, out of the blue, i asked her where she is from etc.. she then told me her story, she came to UK to marry her husband, who is also a Sri Lankan. Told me about her miscarriage of her first baby, due to the neglience of the doctor. Yet, the doctor lied and said it was a blood clot, when it was his negligence on the placenta.
I said " there is a God up there, he knows"
After hearing my statement, she asked if i am a catholic. I said i am a christian. She then shared to me how real God is, how she hears God in her daily life, keeping in step with God. How God promised her she will have children again, when she agonised over her first miscarriage. How God spoke to her in her bible reading. Her husband lose faith in God, saying if there is a God, why did he allow such pain on them. She read the bible and there was this verse that says " children will run around in your eyes, and you will know that i am the father of Abraham" So she believed it and told her husband that God promised her she will have children again. She is now happy with two children, one boy one girl.
She is a woman who fears and honour God. SHe told me her children rehearse Psalm 91 everyday before leaving the house. They will not leave the house without praying and giving thanks to GOd when they are about to sleep.
So we went to a garden near our office over lunch. She shared how God use her to bless others. She suffered alot for being righteous at work place. She said she doesn't work for anybody, she only work for God. God is the one who give her salary, good health, a, job. She said she work for God because she loves God. When she helped anyone, be it someone on the road, or colleague, she told me that she is loving God.
That really struck me. I told her i don't like my job. She helped me to see that God has a reason for placing me here, to make a difference. To benefit others with the talent and wisdom that He has given me.
My other colleagues told me something similar.
We spent the last 5 minutes, walking to a catholic church and prayed.
I will go there more often, during my lunch break.
Dear God, i am so weak. Please help me. Holy spirit help me to know that i am doing it for the Lord, because i love you lord.
Help me to love you in what i do, and what i don't do.
"Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?
The King reply : " I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:37
Dear God, help me to love you. Holy spirit help me to work for God out of love for God. Lord, help me to love you in what i do and in what i don't do.