Thursday, 16 August 2007

Hugging a porcupine

My family members are very transparent people when we are together. What we see is what we get. It is our culture to show our emotions without hiding. It's already been tiring wearing a mask out there when we work with others, so we take off our mask when we are among ourselves.
The danger of this is we are very blatant. We take for granted. We raise our voice when we are frustrated, which we don't normally do when we are with friends or colleagues out there. This is not new. We speak our mind, without twisting and camouflage.Sometimes we hurt others with this seemingly "truthfulness" or carelessness, sometimes we are being hurt by our very own flesh and blood (family members).Sometimes the tolerance is much lower, because it's coming from our own flesh and blood.
On one occasion, when i was offended, i kept quiet and walked away. When i walked away, an image of porcupine came to my mind. Then i remember that i have been a porcupine myself with God. Yet, God still hugs a porcupine like me. I have been prickly myself, yet God loves me and is patient with me.
Sometimes i am prickly,and sometimes i am being pricked with those "ouch" moments but since i have been hugged, I am willing to hug a porcupine. !
I googled using the term "hugging a porcupine", the search result revealed a famous book written by John Lund entitled: How to Hug a porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities. After reading the review, i would like to buy it too. Unfortunately, can;'t find it on amazon UK. Borders website wasn't helpful. So if you come across it anywhere, let me know and e-mail me.
Then i came across this entry written by Amie May : Introduction below,
He just doesn't listen. When I go to him with a problem, he defends himself and then gives me his idea of how things should be as if that cancels out all of my feelings. I tell him, 'If you stepped on my toe, and offer up some quick fixes for avoiding that next time, my toe still hurts.' I came to him to tell him that I am hurting and this is what I get?

She will never be happy. She comes to me with a complaint, I give her a number of solutions, and she seems to just want to argue. She goes on and on about her feelings; what is the big deal anyway? I tell her, 'Accept that your toe was stepped on, make sure it doesn't happen again, and move on.' I mean, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings to begin with and this could all be solved so easily if she would just listen.

How in the world does a man and woman practice 'deference' amongst difference?! We try to give one another what we think the other wants, and it just doesn't work... as a matter of fact, it seems to make things worse. We're seemingly handicapped by the DNA and hormones that God gave us. We think, "aaa, he's from Mars, I'll never reach him", or "she's from Venus, she'll never get it". Whether or not we are from Mars, Jupiter, or Pluto, the idea is that we are in this together now. read more here...

I thought i ended there, but.. hang on... i read this : Tolerance and lifeskills

Tolerance and Influence
Imagine! You are a father. Your son disobeys.
Do you yell? Do you have tolerance to persuade?

Hot heads yell. Usually, one hot-head creates another hot-head. Tolerant persons create tolerant persons. This research says hot-heads have less influence than the fathers who are more tolerant. Hot heads simply “shoot-themselves-in-the-foot” as the cowboy-west persons used-to say.

Hotheads destroy their capacity to influence others. The temper-ridden person wants so badly to have people listen, but ruins his-her own chances of influencing the person to listen and obey.
The graph shows that there is a 225% increase in one’s ability to be influential while tolerance increases from 12.9th percentile to the 87.2th percentile (the bottom one-third to the top one-third). You more than double your capacity or ability to influence others when you move higher than the 66th percentile in tolerance. That 225% increase in influence is an average. No doubt some have a 400% increase and some have a 25% increase. Current hot-heads can get a lot more respect by shifting to tolerance, one of the 13 higher core values

More here

Well, I definitely don't want to shoot myself in the foot !

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