It was just a normal sad, moving, popular japanese cartoon. But it provoked my emotions and question my views on my God, pain, suffering, and existence.
I watched a japanese cartoon on Friday night,setting was during World War I or II ( can't remember) and how a loving brother and his 4-5 year old sister went through those time. His mum and dad died in the war. His mum was badly burnt and injured when the missile fell on her, or near her. So this brother did all his best to take care of himself and his sister. They lived beside the river, and he stole food from neighbours to survive. They were orphan. His sister soon became ill due to malnourishment and died eventually. The last scene was very moving. A scene on how his sister played with nature beside the river during the day when his brother went out to search for food. His brother was sorely bitten when was found stealing, but received some mercy from the officer. But it was all too late. When he finally had some money from the bank, left from his mum, he went to buy nutritional food and ran back home to see his sister. But he found his sister lying on the ground, voice was weak, no longer jumping or running to meet his brother.
It was very sad. I finished the cartoon at about 11 pm and i cried for an hour after that.
Why you may think? It's just a moving drama .. that's all. I can't really pin point the real cause of my emotions but when i cried that night, i cried for the pain and suffering that's around me. I have not much suffering of my own to cry for. But i think of many out there, whom i don't know, victims of the violence of others, the war, hurt inflicted on them due to the selfishness of others. I cried. I hate injustice, i hate SIN.
Why can't we just love each other and care for each other? I can't i love my neighbours and be patient? Why does it hurt so much when i see the pain and suffering around me? Why am i also part of the pain and suffering that is being inflicted on others? Am i not part of the problem too?
Then i start to question my own existence. Someone said i am having an existentialist crisis, big philosophical word. I don't like this world. It's fallen, it's a mosaic of beauty and ugly, good and evil. Why do people want to live longer on this earth?
I question my own meaning and purpose. Why am i here on earth? Why am in in UK? when i miss my family so much? I don't want to spend time with them only when my parents are ill and sick. I want to spend time with them when they are well. It's life about your own family?
I had all those questions lingering on my mind, mingled with tears and the ache from my heart.
If this earth is all i have, what' s the point of being good when the evil always get their ways? Riches, fame, justice... The rich always have enough money to migrate, enough money to spend less time in the jail because they can afford better lawyers...
If this earth is all there is, i don't want to live anymore. I don't find any joy from what i am doing now...
Is that it? When there is a car crash and i am no longer here on earth.. and what am i then? So i leave pain even i die.. parents, my loved ones grief over my death.. .. what does existence mean if i am just randomly happened to spend 70 years on earth? Or what does exitense mean? since i come from ape?
Why am i here? Where is the meaning of my existence on earth when nothing matters anymore anyway? Do you not feel the emptiness ? The emptiness of just living for here and now?