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Friday, 27 July 2007

My one week reflection

For some reason, i have been very unsettled and very bitter with my job, career. Frustration, annoyed, bitterness, fed up, low morale for the past one week.

Sometimes i wonder whether my nose bleed in office the other morning was an expression of all those.

Had a heated 1 to 1 with my manager. Vomitted some sarcastic remark in meeting and e-mails, making my stance clearly. On hind sight, maybe i should grace it with some humour rather than saying it so harshly. The points that i made are all valid, like i would appreciate it if i am given more notice for any task in the future, and not within the next 24 hours. Yeah yeah.. you will laugh at me, but this is NHS. In private, that's how people work, tight deadlines, no room for making a remark.Of course, there is context to this. My manager has been a last minute dot com person, and it is unfair to delegate to us and expect us to work like him. All of us, including him of course, should be organised, when it comes to arranging work and priority.

Maybe i am not used to being confrontational. I say that because the fact that i have to talk to Albert and asked him whether i did the right thing by writing that statement in my e-mail with my varenicline letter (my task) showed that i am not so used to verbalise my opinion in a foreign working environment.

Just on this same task, i dreamt of my manager the night before. I was troubled that he will put his name on this letter that i wrote, like last time. For this, i also checked with my ex-colleague when we went out for dinner, whether what my manager did was right: asking me to write a letter and he put his name on it. I just wanted to be sure that history doesn't repeat itself.

I am glad i am learning, to say no, and to speak up when i see something that is not right. But i have to admit, it's a learning curve for me.

I always want to be sure that i did the right thing.

Sometimes i wish i can disguise myself better, that i don't have to express it with my facial expression, that i won't be so transparent. A little hypocrisy will do some good at workplace.But i really can't do this. I can't be smiley and polite, and chatty and harbour grudge within me. I feel relieved when it's off my chest and let the person know what i think.

Today i asked my colleague, what is the real problem for all of us, complaining and searching for job as well. Two of my colleagues said : Money. Okay, that's an easy solution to that.

This reminds me of the Korean movie that i recently watch : Money warfare. The human nature of being tempt by money to compromise their integrity and conscience, the difficult path of choosing money or character when you are in great debt.. etc..I enjoyed this drama very much. Excellent acting skills and good protrait of how money can change a person.

Money, material , wealth. I looked back at my frustration this week and i asked myself, was it because of money that triggered all this? Was it because i think i deserve to be paid more for that i am doing? Or was it job satisfaction that i am searching for.

I know my answer is not as straight forward as my colleague. It's job satisfaction. You may think i should just quit and look for some other job. Yes, that is easy when i know what makes me tick. It's hard when i am so lost myself.

I haven't got a clear answer to my question, this big question about what i should do with my life and my time , my passion , my vision. I am learning to wait, and be still, till my boss, my God directs me to my next step.

Interestingly, i shared with one senior experienced pharmacist yesterday and she gave me her word of wisdom. I have lost sight of how important my job is. I am in a strategic position, directing, starting, improving health care service to patients. I am able to change things and make a difference on how service could be improved. I am here, supporting the GPs in quality and effective prescribing (ideally, leave out the cost bit). She showed me further. It's so easy to loose sight of this.

Then i think, maybe my problem is i can't see the effect of what i do. That does not mean that my work is not contributing to patient care.

Sometimes i think maybe it's because i should be a pastor, and i should go to bible school, but again, finance is an issue. It's not that i don't trust that God will provide, but i haven't had clear confirmation or burning burden to take that step. To take this path because i am not satisfied with my current job is not a good enough reason.

I am much better now, at least this issue will be in the back burner, until something else trigger this. My decision is to stay where i am, persevere and pray hard that God will open my eyes, help me to see the significance of my expertise to the good of others, and not just a job that write guidelines, protocols, policy, letter, sitting in meeting etc..

Maybe, by this time next year, when i am able to save a bit of money, i can consider bible school, if my Boss in heaven said so.

I read some passage and these verses seem to jump
"Why so downcast, O my soul.
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for i will yet praise him,
My svaiour and my God" Psalm 42:5

Taking this from my friend's blog:

"Father, i am seeking
I am hesitant and uncertain,
But will you, O god
watch over each step of mine
and guide me"

Confession 11.13 Augustine

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