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Thursday, 12 July 2007

A list to help my mental well being

The other day i read this article from Daily bide on self-control and anger. Towards the end, when it comes to the application bit, there's a suggestion of a written list of frustrating situations that make it difficult to maitain self-control. Not that i will go around shooting someone with a gun, but i guess changes in my tone of voice and speaking in a harsh way do count as well.So it says God use those situation to teach me self-control and patience and forgiveness.Forgiveness -not an issue for me, but patience and self-control... err.. check check. So , i should reflect and ask myself 2 questions:
 
1) Why do i feel frustrated
 
2) How to respond in a way that please my Heavenly Father
 
Needless to say, in my small tiny world, the thing that frustrates me most is my work. Well, of course, as in my previous blog, the other thing that gets to my nerve is the injustice and the evil of the world.
 
SO back to my small tiny world , i am still very naive to the hierachy of lead and manager. So what does lead mean? I am the lead for diabetes, but when it comes to a project that involves community pharmacy, where it obviously involved the lead of community pharmacist, who become the lead now? Who is doing the donkey job of writing proposal?Me... In fact, my colleage, the lead of community pharmacists put me on the spot in the meeting and ask me if i am happy to write the proposal. Well, being a chinese, (seriously it has to do with chinese culture, esp where we say yes  yes yes ...) i said yes. What am i suppose to say? Should i say no and humiliate her? I don't have the heart to do it. Yes, this lead issue was never discussed as explicit. So she asked me to book the room and e-mail everyone of suitable time, and then, who gets the credit? So what am i then? The one who hold the corner of her dress (figurative speaking). To put things into context, she doesn't manage me.
 
So it happened again today. Community pharmacists in UK are independent contractors , yet, they have a contract wiht the NHS. So this classic story happen again. As i mentioned before, all 3 of us used to be equal, we are all pharmacist. We all keep a close watch on the GPS ans advise them accordingly when it involves drugs and medicine. So, one fine day, my colleague Ms A, decided to take on the other pie, which is the whole 46 community pharmacists in Islington. So her title changed accordingly and of course pay. So she can't cope with the capacity, so we share the community pharmacists workload too. Only difference is i didn't get an upgrade. Plus, because she is the lead, she gets the credit for the success of my hard work and my quality. So how does this work out?
 
I often ask God, should i be calculative? Is this the way organisation work? Should i fight for "justice" ? Should i keep quiet and happily in my small corner, being in the background doing all the work? My job description says support in community pharmacists, of course, to be fair, she has more under her belt, but a lot of the time, the workload is shared. So is this cherry picking? Those juicy ones are taken by someone and the daily mundane paper work, she delegates to someone else?
 
Well, as usual, i am quite frank and transparent about what i feel and my struggle. This verse came to me :
Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out[g] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. Phil 2:14
 
Needless to say, that's super high standard and i am no where near it. I do pray to God to help me and change me. Maybe i shouldn't be too calculative. Like i always say, it's either i do it happily, or i say no, and don't do it. No point saying yees to something and then grumble.
 
And of course, the deeper question is is this the right job for me? Is there anything to learn in this job besides working on excel sheet and typing report? Am i putting my skills and knowledge to benefit patients? What am i doing here Lord? Am i in the right place at the right time doing the right thing? Have i been deaf to you?

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