I called my good friend Mee ling on News Year's eve. I shared with her that i am going through this "in-between" stage of my life. I am still in the process of finding a platform to rest my feet , metaphorically speaking. I am a seperate entity from my family, in the sense that Albert and I are a family. However, the irony is, i am still very much attached to my own family. It's hard for me to put this in writing how i feel about this. I miss home more after i got married. Maybe it's London , maybe it's my social circle that i have not found enough support.
My friendship over here is very superficial. Support support, who do i go to when i need prayer, people will say i have my husband. Who should i go to when i am troubled, my husband, others will say. But surely, i need other form of healthy relationship for pillar of support. In a place like London, to build a solid, secure, honest friendship is not easy. Not to mention lasting.
I am in this stage. A stage of finding myself, my role as a wife, as a daugther, as an aunt, as a prescribing adviser, as a Youth teacher, as God's children. I think i am still yet to grasp and learn my new role as a wife. I am too used to ruling my own life, deciding when to fly, eat, travel, who to meet. I have been living on my own for the past 5 years, making my own decision. It's all different now.
In terms of missing home, i can only say it's the longing, more than the actual having to live in Malaysia for good that attracts me. I often ask myself do i really want to go home and why? Now that i am no longer single, the formula is not as straightforward anymore.
In spite of that, i do hope one day, one fine day, i will be given the opportunity to stay in KL for a good 2-3 years, to really spend quality time with my parents, before they leave this world.
I am persevering in my hope.