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Thursday, 12 October 2006

The other day, when we had our bible study, we went round sharing about types of people that you dislike. My answer was people who are proud and intimidate others. You know how those pride just oozes out from every pores of theirs. The other type is people who have big ego and treat others like fools.

I wouldn�t say my colleague Miss A is like that, but the other small potato ( me and the others) have reached a consensus that her tone of voice and the way she make comments intimidate you.

For people like that, my coping mechanism will be to stay quiet and indifferent. She strives to be star and I just have this laid back attitude. She wants to be the top of the world, I just mind my own business. My team , including my boss know that I have not been utilised. I have the least job among the others who have the same title. Some time ago, I was frustrated as I felt that my intelligence have been a waste, but now, I have gone through the �denial� stage and just accept the �free slots�, and make the best use of it. Elaine advised me to just enjoy this given situation.
It�s not my fault, I have voiced out in my 1:1 with my manager, including the notion that it�s a dread coming to work., no job satisfaction etc. Things didn�t change since, but now God has kindly open my eyes to see that this job is perfect for a mum . Haha. Over paid, under work, flexible hours. What better job than this .. IF I am planning to have little Iriny. (To be honest, not yet. Both Albert and I would like to spend some time alone first )

The reason why I brought this up was because Miss A made a comment yesterday, �jokingly�

� Do you mind going to my Gps and do the statin switch for them as well, since you have less job than I �

I kept quiet, hold my breath and smiled.

At that moment, I did feel that what she said was true. I nearly wanted to say yes to her. Until I went home and reflected upon it. That was not the whole truth, I finally realised and I shouldn�t feel bad for her comment. Yes I have less job to do than her, BUT she is the Deputy Head of the Department and her salary is way much higher than me. Then, it makes sense that she has more responsibilities than me, no?
I should have answered her � Yeah, I can do your job, how about getting your pay? �

just don�t like the way it�s being said. Knowing her, it was not a joke, more like half-jokingly. Bottom line is, it�s not fault that I am not given enough job to do, everyone just want to climb up the ladder and keep all those projects to themselves, including my boss. They want to prove to the senior management team that they did this and they did that. I

t�s hard to portray to you how I felt about this, as this feeling is very subjective. You may be reading this and say what�s the big deal. But only the person who is experiencing this in such context, of spending 1/3 of my life with these colleagues will know. That is the tips for counselling. Every person�s feeling is valid and there is no right or wrong. Just like a patient telling the doctor that injection is painful. The doctor can�t deny the patient and say no, it�s not painful, you are imagining. It�s not painful to the doctor but to the patient it may be the most painful experience.

The one incident that made me boiled yesterday was her comments on how I handled a query from a Gp on statin switch. I get her point, it�s the way she put it across. Tone of voice, volume, the verbal diarrhoea, etc�She, by nature, is very vocal and loud, big mouth and she knows that. She wants to know every single thing that happen, because that means power you see. She wants to be in every single conversation.

She made me feel stupid as if I don�t know what I am doing, and my approach is not making sense etc. .before even taking the effort to understand me or listen to my reason behind my approach, she just made comments like a rifle, like the scene in the movies, where the bad guys just rushed through the door and killed everyone in the room without actually looking. She only thinks her opinions count the most. She jumped into conclusion without the habit of finding out your thoughts behind your actions.

When I first started the job, I had palpitation, I could feel my heart beat increasing ,shaky voice, the blood rushing to my face when I was being challenged by Miss A. Now that I have been this job for a year, I still had those palpitation and heat on my face, voice still trembled, but I persevered and made my point. So in the end, she agreed on my approach. I have to constantly build my own confidence that my intelligence is not any lower than hers, since we both managed to pass our days of memorising drugs and passing exams. I have to stop reminding myself that my skin colour is different, everyone else is Indian. They call it the �asian team�.

Don�t get me wrong, I am writing this not because I am angry at her or anything. Of course I forgive her since no one is perfect, including me. Sometimes, words didn�t come out right from my mouth too.
Like my best friend Mee Ling said, everyone around us is a reflection of ourselves to a certain extent.

She is a constant reminder to me, about what works and what doesn�t, what pisses people off and what doesn�t, what makes a good manager and what doesn�t ( thank God she is not my manager, but she is acting like one because my manager is super soft).I am seeing everything as a learning opportunities and moulding experiences. God has encouraged me not to overlook these precious opportunities in my complaints and frustrations. I have to accept that I was the one who applied for this job, hence I have the responsibility to accept the consequences of my decision, stick to it, until I find another possibilities.

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