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Monday, 4 September 2006

Neither black nor white

Where to start?

Have you ever been in a state where there�s so many things that go through your mind and when you finally sit down and jot it down, you don�t know where to start?

When I was younger, right & wrong, black and white was very clear to me, as I live by principle. My brother Joshua used to say �Irene, don�t be so na�ve, it�s not as simple and as straight forward as you see � � years later, I am beginning to see that indeed, there is not answers to every questions, and part of living in this fallen world is living with the questions, �.

This thought came to me when I felt that making a decision to pursue my medical career seems like a �wrong decision� , as feedback by my friends and sometimes by my family members�.
Well, to be honest, the biggest issue now is my decision on applying via UCAS on medical degree for September 2007 intake. A lot of unhappiness mixed with guilt, as a result of open discussions.

Guilty because albert is the price I pay for this (maybe) medical career. Also, I haven�t added �family� into the equation, ie kids. Imagine working from 8am to 8pm, on the worst case is a week of night, i.e. I do 1 week of night calls, from 8pm to 8am. Or maybe in a week I will be doing 1 late call (i.e. 8am to 8pm) then either 1 in 3 weekends (8am to 8pm) then 1 in 4 week of nights (8pm to 8pm).

Guilty because I am sure he didn�t marry someone who is so busy at work that he can�t share moments after work with her.

If I were to pursue this career, I will not have the capacity to raise a child in the next 5 years, at least. Bearing in mind that the next 5 years will only be the completion of my academic degree with non-clinical experience.

In moments like this, I do think that , maybe I should not get married in the first place. Having said that, I am married now and I don�t regret for marrying albert in every sense, the decision to commit myself to medicine and the sick patients is not as straight forward. As much as Albert says he support me and he will be proud of me if, one fine day, I do become a doctor, I know I am being unfair to him.

I don�t have answers to any of those and I am torn between the two. Today, I thought maybe the timing is not right, maybe it�s too impulsive to enter medical school next year. Albert and I just got married, and to dive into such a profession that requires so much time, energy and effort will means a big sacrifice time spent with Albert and enjoying moments of companionship. Maybe by 2008, I will have save more money and hence able to invest in property hence, will be financially more stable, as four years in medical school with not give me any pay check every month as compared to present. Maybe I will be more mature by then and it will be a decision made out of more thorough consideration than now. Maybe by then my desire is so much stronger than now that I am clearer about what I want to achieve in this thing call life.

Oh yeah.,. what�s the rush? My friend told me the oldest in her graduate medical school is 43 years old.

As I always say, life is a transition one after the other and a constant journey� my blog is a documentation of my thoughts and the changes in my perspective as I tread along �. Whether is right or wrong, it�s a matter of perspective� yes it could be a wrong move, considering I am no longer single and I am partly responsible for the well-being of my other half, I may be blamed for being selfish etc� .. and maybe not.. it�s not black nor white.. it�s just grey�

This is what I have been thinking and crying over these past weeks�.

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