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Tuesday, 26 September 2006

Catching up with myself

me on piano Me on piano




There are so many things going through my mind recently that I dreamt every night and end up lethargic in the morning.

Last week, I decided to write on �What life is all about� , I started from what life was all about when I was 3 years old, then 6 etc� reminiscing the past.. I remembered my mum and all her effort, time and above all love in bringing me up. I was touched, tears of gratefulness mixed with guilt. Guilt because I was not an obedient child, because I didn�t agree with her most of the time. I had my own views and I stick to them. I always told her that there was no right or wrong, just difference in opinion. To her, hers is � more right �. Sometimes it was because she wanted to protect me from making mistakes and paying the price. Being a teenager at that time, where life was all about exploring the world and all possibilities, making mistakes were perfectly alright as I was willing to take the risk.

So what if I made mistakes? I learn by mistakes,� was the motto I lived by. Little did I know that some of the mistakes came with huge cost.

My mum will then respond by saying � You�ll know how I feel when you become a mum yourself.� I don�t deny the truth in her statement. A mum loves a child and wants to shield them from any harm and unnecessary mistakes. Probably they have made the mistake and didn�t want their child to repeat them. As I grew and as life become more complicated than black and white, I learnt that some mistakes are unaffordable. The price is too high to pay.

Anyway, quality of life is one of the major factor in considering my application for MED school, or rather �MAD� school. Long hours and the years of training in becoming a consultant will inevitably affect not only my quality of life, but Albert�s and our family. Doctors have no quality of life, their responsibilities are improving the patients� quality of life at the expense of their own.

Jack who reminded me in his e-mail last Friday seemed to wake me up, I mean really really woke me up.

I may not be there on my son or daughter�s birthday because I may be on-call, I may be unable to attend his graduation? I may not see my husband for a whole week if I am on night shift for a whole week. I am sleeping when he is working or he is sleeping when I am working in hospital.

Maybe.

I maybe unable to attend Sunday church service, unable to learn with other choir members, unable to learn singing or jazz scales, or evening classes, or blogging.

Maybe.

I may end up at home raising my boys or girls, since there�s no maids or my parents around for childcare support. I may not have the chance to practice as a doctor if I were to spend time raising up my boy/girl.

Adding up all these maybes, is a price that I am not willing to pay.

You will say I am fickle minded. I don�t mind. I would rather be safe than sorry.

The main reason I am deferring my decision, is I am not fully convicted. A person who is fully convicted to her dream or vocation is someone who is willing to pursue it at all cost. I know I am seeing medicine as a way out to my pharmacy career, like clinging on to a float in an ocean. Eventhough a float will keep me from sinking, I will still be in the ocean forever.

Fear.
I am afraid that I go into medicine hoping to find some job satisfaction but it's not in medicine.
In the end, I will have sacrificed my family life, church life and personal time and at that point, there�s no turning back. The attitude of "handing in application and see how it goes" is unfair to those who put in the effort to interview me and sorting out application and for others who are very sure that medicine is their path. What if i get it? Then i turn it down? What if i don't? What if i am accidentally pregnant? What if...

I want to be fully convicted and 100% sure that this is my path when I hand in my application.

Another reality is ��. Four years of school will mean no income. We are just married and savings have just started. Albert suggested that it�s not time yet.

Conclusion: I will put this on hold. Maybe medicine is not the answer to my quarter life crisis.

4 comments:

  1. Nothing and nobody will satisfy us apart from God. That's what I learned.

    I am happy for your decision. I would like to see a loving Irene instead of a stress though sucessful one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thank you sister... i know you have been a faithful friend to me.. and i am here for you as well .. as we walk this journey side by side

    ReplyDelete
  3. thank you sister... i know you have been a faithful friend to me.. and i am here for you as well .. as we walk this journey side by side

    ReplyDelete
  4. thank you sister... i know you have been a faithful friend to me.. and i am here for you as well .. as we walk this journey side by side

    ReplyDelete

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