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Friday, 11 August 2006

WakinG up

WAKING UP - i am referring more of waking up from my pursuing-medical-degree fantasy... i have been thinking a lot for the past few days and i have waken up from this fantasy.

No i won't do it.The sacrifice is too much for me: moments with my husband, no life, constant studying and exam, working throught the night.

This time i really have to put a FULL STOP to this. It will no longer stay dormant because i have "killed" it.

Again,i was once blind but now i see.. God had opened my eyes to see the path a bit clearer. Yes, i am sure i won't stay here or even NHS (National Health Service, UK GOvernment body which provide free healthcare services to all.

One day, one fine day, i will leave pharmacy and leave NHS. I will find a job which is challenging, where i can constantly learn and develop myself and utilise up to 4% of my brain.

As for now, i will have to fight harder, i have to be creative and proposed a project that i could handle. I sometimes find it hard ,of course. Being new here and being seen as a junior , where the juicy bits of projects are always in the hands of Ms A. She is the all-time favourite of this place. She is only 3 years senior than me.To be honest, it doesn't take a lot to do what we are doing. It's just that she is loud and always made herself heard. Not a surprise. These excellent qualities will go very far. To be honest, i don't think i am less intelligent than her or whatsoever, the problem with me is i am NOT as competitive as her. Yesterday in our conversation, she asked me "Are you ambitious? "

"I used to" i answered

"You don't come across as someone who is " She replied

That's the whole point. I don't want to come across as someone who is ambitious on the outward because i don't want to be a threat to someone else. I am ambitious on the inside. If i am not, i wouldn't have felt this way. This job, above average income, stable since i am working for government, BUT not mentally stimulating. I didn't spend half my parent's house mortgage to write letter to the doctors, stuff envelopes and to type!! I have digressed.

Back to Ms A. She rules our team, eventhough she is not our manager.The reson is because our manager is s softie, while she has strong personality. Interesting dynamics here. I don't hate her, she is a nice friend. But i won't trust her 100 % either.

I will face my job positively, this position is a preparation to something bigger in the future. I have picked up my motivation, because i am looking at something beyond this. I will acquire every skills possible to prepare for my next big fat job.

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