Thursday, 25 May 2006
abandon and forsaken
today is a very special day.. i remembered how i felt when i first arrived London. Walking on the street, no close friends... one thought came to me : if anything happen to me, no one will know. Who am i? so insignificant in this whole universe, or should i say galaxy.
I come to believe that the worst feeling in the world is being forsaken. When i was in primary school, my classmates boycotted me. They sneered at me and laughed at me. That left a mark in my emotional well being.At that age, my diary is full of entries of not having any friends, and no one to play with.
As i grow older, i was surprised that there are people who wants to be my friends. Having said that, it has not always been a smooth journey. Hence, i chose to have penpals. I wrote religiously to my penpals and spent endless hours on IRC, talking to people that i didn't know. I felt safe, being vulnerable and weak to these strangers. I am just the way i am. Why? why do people want me to behave the way they want me to? I wasn't willing to conform. I was rebellious, i have my own opinion and i stick to it. I spoke my mind and i didn't care.
Then, i grow older.. now, as i work , i realise that this behaviour will not get me anywhere. I have to be diplomatic, eventhough i disagree, i have to still nod and smile. I am not as strong as i used to. I can't speak my mind and no longer can be as honest as i used to.
Today, i feel abandoned... time and again, i want to proof that i have friends , true friends, i have to keep reminding myself that i do have friends that i can talk to..........
Now , at this moment, i take comfort in this:
"You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate;
but you shall be called My delight is in her, and your land Married;
For the LORD DELIGHTS IN YOU....
As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.
Why do you believe in Jesus? Why are you a christian, people ask me. Only the sick needs doctor. Many people say religion is a crutch, well i admit i am weak and the only unchanging anchor of my life is my God. A God who delights in me , who never leave me nor forsake me.
Today, i choose this lifestyle, a lifestyle of choosing to open my eyes to the God of miracle, choosing to experience the delight and the love that He has for me.. which will take eternity....
Today is a special day.... a day of remembering my moments of abandonment, and a day of rejoicing over the truth that my God delights in me.
his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.