Friday, 30 December 2005
Friday 23rd : Dinner at Savoy Grill, horrible food, despite one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, he wasn't the chef obviously. STILL, his deputy was very irresponsible to cook such salty food ! I could cook better than him. Only the non-alcaholic cocktail was good. Sad... paid �160 for two of us, without wine. The taster menu worth �60 but was a disgrace to Gordon Ramsay. *sigh* My life is so miserable without good food.
Saturday 24th : Woke up late, London eye in the afternoon, but was dark at 430. Booked for 330 for the tour with the tour guide ,didn't enjoy his presence much actually. was late because the ticket collection machine wasn't working, so delayed due to long queue. Took few photos, wasn't spectacular to me at least, a bit boring actually. Never mind, my extended birthday celebration since i was working the whole of my birthday on Friday. Snap few photos on London eye then searched for restaurant. Most chinese restaurant at China town was closed, had dinner at a japanese restaurant at Brewer Street. Food was better than Savoy. Surprise surprise *duh*
Things didn't turn out well, quite "unforgettable" almost everything went wrong..
No flowers, no good food, no pleasant ride.
But joy comes with the morning... tada.. 25th Christmas day ...
Steamboat at Angus place: terry, sammie, sandra, bernard, angus, rachel, me, albert, lay hui.
Great Company, what else can i ask for?
Guess what? I learnt how to play mah jong this year Christmas. Terry and Sammie won most of the time. I managed to win few times la.. but quite fun.
Then game: male Vs femal : act in silence, and guess movie's name. Great Fun!!!! Love it !!! Male couldn't guess "Philadephia", Albert tried to act this out by spreading butter on his bread.. obviously the closest they could get was butter. They revenged by giving us "ShawShank Redemption" obviously we couldn't guess.
Had a good time.
Dinner, then Shrek 2, Hilarous!! watching with the whole group of friends.
Surprise Surprise.. after movie.. tada.. Candles and cake... yeah =) Prefer celebrating my big day with a group of close friends.
Enjoyed my day with friends.. Guess i like being in a community.
Another week.. it's friday again.. i am going to MCC now.. have a blesse year
Thursday, 29 December 2005
Is Singapore that small? I asked? How did both of you start? Abel was working in London as an architect, but I am not close to him. I know who he is, and I once bought a lamb kebab after my locum job at chemist, after 9 pm, and hand delivered to him at his office near Warren Street since he hasn�t had his dinner. We never contacted each other since. I felt a bit embarrassed maybe because it was a bit out of the blue. *NOTE* I did that to him because he is my friend, I don�t fancy him or anything, Anyway, Abel went back to Singapore to work and he e-mailed Jia Yang and then now they are couple.
Shocked. Never in my life would I thought that Jia Yang would meet Abel, eventhough I know both of them. Funny feeling, how two of my friends who are not really connected are now together. Yea, Singapore is that small. It is a small world. It really amazes me how two totally unconnected individual ends up sharing their life. Or once couples break up, they become totally unconnected again. Interesting�
All I want to say is life is full of surprises. My friend was very heart-broken last year after she found out that her fianc� wasn�t faithful to her. She lost hope in life and in God, very lost and couldn�t trust anyone, even God. I am glad that she is rewarded now for hanging in there, even though she lost hope then. There is hope behind bars. You�ll never know how close you are to the blessing, so never give up. Hang in there, you are in the might hands of our Father.
Always expected the Unexpected from your Loving Father.
Isaiah 55: 8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts
I live in Hope and anticipation
I live to experience God�s love and to share His love with those around me
Friday, 23 December 2005
My friend once told me a story that her boyfriend wanted to give her a surprise and hence ordered a bouquet of flowers worth �100 for her through the internet. She received an e-mail from the florist the next day saying that the order has been delivered. She waited the whole day but no flowers. In the end, she didn't want her bf's money to go to waste, she called her bf to tell him that she didn't receive the flowers and asked him to find out what happened. Of course she didn't know how much it cost. Then, the bf received an e-mail from the company to say that the flowers have been delivered the day before but was turned down by the receptionist because her name was not found in the telephone directory, meaning she doesn't exist. The florist left and sent the e-mail to the bf describing the situation. My friend found out from her bf the story and went to ask the receptionist to confirm her "existence" and wa la, her name was not there. It's the IT Department's job to update every new staff. Her manager should have told IT that a new staff has joined her team. My friend was very disappointed and frustrated because
#1: the company has no contact number at all, just e-mails, hence not contactable in hiccups like his
#2: her bf did write her direct like contact number in the e-mail
#3: Maybe the deliver man was nto responsible
#4: the receptionist can't be bothered, it's not her flowers anyway
After hearing this story from my friend, it makes me think. She indeed receive a surprise as a gift, but not that surprise that was intended. Every decision that we make come with a risk, so is life. NOthing is risk free. Also, the outcome does not always turn out as intended.
Forest Gump was right: " life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you gonna get."
Life indeed is unpredictable. Someone from our floor cried out loud yesterday afternoon. Her daddy died of heart attack when he was living his daily routine. She burst into tears. Christmas, an occasion of joy and celebration, but a tragedy for someone like her.
We are so fragile and life is unpredictable. What can we really hold on to ? What can we grasp? Material possession, here today , gone tomorrow. So is fame. What is the content of our life?
Life is full of surprises, but i am not afraid because my life is in good hands.My heavenly Father can turn my mourning into dancing, because His presence in my life gives me hope to see things in different light.
Coming back to my friend's story, she is dancing with joy now, not because she received the flowers, but she appreciates all the act of love and effort that her boyfriend showed her.She is surprised how her emotions changed by looking at it from a different light. Surprise !
taken in St. Pancras, my previous job. Entered the hospital photography competition, with the title : light behind bars. Didn't win, but someone actually bought this photo. Boy, am i glad =)
happy birthday to u, happy birthday to u, happy birthday to irene, happy birthday to you!
hehe...though i cant really sing u this song but i can always type for you!
This number is very special to me, and it�s my favourite number. Why? Because I was born 20 something years ago. Yeah, it�s my birthday today =). Thank you Kaye for typing out the birthday song to me first thing in the morning when I come to work.
Common question: why was I born? I am not going to ask that. More importantly, how am I going to use this gift call life? What do I with this gift call life?
Kaye reminded me this morning about the priority of our lives. What really matters? Everything changes, including us, human beings. Pastor said love is not about feelings because our feelings change. Love is about a choice of will to accept a person from the heart, including their weaknesses. We can only love when we are being loved. If we are loved by conditional love, we will only love other conditionally. If we are loved by the ONE who love us unconditionally and unchanging love, we can anchor ourselves to the One and learn to love others unconditionally.
Yes, another year has gone by and I am reminded again of my conditional, limited love and the unconditional, unchanging, endless love that God has for me through Jesus Christ.
1 john 3:16
16This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 17If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? 18Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
Today is a reminder of my priority once again. It�s relationship that matters. To accept, experience the unchanging eternal Love of my heavenly Father, and I live to share this love with others. 50 years from today, my colleague will not remember how I have arranged the newsletter, whether it�s in 1 column or 2 columns. She will remember my friendship with her, my character and personality.
This is my prayer :
Do They See Jesus In Me by Joy Williams
Is the face that I see in the mirror
the one I want others to see
Do I show in the way that I walk in my life
The love that You've given to me
My heart's desire is to be like You
In all that I do, all I am
Do they see Jesus In Me
Do they recognize Your face
Do I communicate Your love, and Your grace
Do I reflect who You are
In the way I choose to be
Do they see Jesus In Me
It's amazing that you'd ever use me
But use me the way You will
Help me to hold out a heart of
A heart that You're spirit fills
May I show forgiveness and mercy
The same way You've shown it to me
Now I want to show all the world who You are
The reason I live and breathe
So You'll be the One that they see
When they see me
Happy birthday to Irene. Merry Christmas to all of you and Jesus Loves you Forever (and he really means eternally)
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Thursday, 22 December 2005
attended a talk last night in church, partly because i was the pianist for the singing part. I normally do not attend evangelistic meeting, meaning service catered for non-church goers.
I am glad i was there. I was very touched. The speaker is 73 years old and yet he spoke with so much passion about the love of Christ. At the end of the talk, he sang with the lyrics :
Jesus loves you, jesus loves you, the greatest blessing in your life is that Jesus loves you forever
I teared as i heard him singing, with so much love and passion .. a man who has expeerienced the love and faithfulness of God for the past 50 years of his life.
I want to be like him and tell everyone about the love and faithfulness of my god, even till i turn 70 !
Wednesday, 21 December 2005
Told albert the whole story and i asked him what is wrong with me. Why do i have problems and why am i so frustrated. He said there is no tolerance in me. I was thinking about all the events that happened and albert was right. I have no love, no tolerance, and there was pride in me.
1 Corinthians 13
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I am humbled once again when i get to know myself more. Sivin wrote a quote by MOther theresa :
Few of us can do great things, but all of us can do small things with great love
Christmas reminds me of the love of God, who sent his only son, Jesus Christ to live with us, experienced this life of human beings, showing me how to live life to the fullest and the meaning and purpose of life. I need a heart transplant, the spirit and heart of Jesus Christ, to love in humility.
Philippians 2 (the message)
1If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care-- 2then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. 3Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. 4Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
5Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. 6He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. 7Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! 8Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death--and the worst kind of death at that: a crucifixion.
9Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, 10so that all created beings in heaven and on earth--even those long ago dead and buried--will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, 11and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father.
Tuesday, 20 December 2005
Ostwald reminded me that it�s the relationship with God that counts and everything should flow from that. Am I having a intimate relationship with God? I don�t know. I think of him everyday, I involve him in my struggles and details of my life. I am not sure whether that is close. Do I long for his presence?I Do I long to be encouraged by him? Yes. What does the cross mean to me? Discovering it more each day �
Children presented their puppet show, very sweet. Afternoon Christmas carol at china town and I gave out leaflets. It was fruitful, managed to get to know a Malaysian non-christian student. Told him about Malaysian Christian conference, interested. Shared with the pedestrian about our church location in shaftesbury avenue, including telling elderly Chinese ladies about out fellowship for elderly on Wednesday.
Had lunch with Yue Siew at Wong Kee, told her about the service there, then went to meet Andrew Cheng at Carnaby street But he didn�t turn up. Albert, Yue siew and I ended up in Liberty and had our photos taken. Went to shepherd bush to help siew move her TV, microwave, food processor and telephone, everything for �50. Her boss has a dry sense of humour, he is a german, don�t know how to appreciate that kind of humour.
Enjoyed my time with my old friend Yue siew, never ever thought that i will share my time in london with her. =) God's timing and plans are always full of surprises.
Went to Stanley�s place for dinner with Dorothy, fai, charlotte and bingo. Albert�s church friends, conversations went well, I didn�t have to try, very comfortable. S work for Boots, regional manager, added to the statistics of pharmacists with low job satisfaction.
Weekend is over and I Hate MONDAys.
My organisation: Islington Primary Care Trust had a christmas party at 530pm Firday, 10 minutes walk from our office. Staff awards were given to outstanding staff. Went there, sat down, no one to talk to, as I am new, don�t know many people. I had my camera with me which helped me out of boredom and loneliness. It�s so real that I am surrounded by people yet I feel lonely because I can�t connect with them. Spent my time with my faithful friend, �Canon� this time. Left early and watched HK Soap at home which I enjoyed.
I don�t enjoy occasion like this. A: I don�t know anyone, B: I can�t make conversation, it just doesn�t flow, especially when I don�t have any common ground with them C: I don�t drink and I don�t dance
As I grow older, I no longer enjoy going to occasion like birthday party or any party when I don�t know anyone. I don�t know how to make conversation and I am tired of trying. Full stop.
I am tired...
She said today :� Oh we are well beyond the deadline. We have to finish our newsletter and give it to sheetal, it�s not fair on her.�
Then, sheetal got stressed and said, the deadline for me is 22nd .
I got irritated and said we only discussed it yesterday afternoon.
Avni said: all I am saying is that we should have discussed it last Friday but we didn�t. � Halo? She was the one who didn�t have time to discuss with US. I HAD the time and WANT to polish up the newsletter. She was the one who said discuss it on MONDAY and just because she has edited her part in the newsletter yesterday at 6PM, she expects me to finish it immediately. RIDICULOUS!
Avni said: � take it easy� after my irritated reply.
This blog is my outlet. I going to write down all my thoughts, including those mean ones. I DON�T CARE !
I learnt something: I will tell my colleague when I am not happy with things. I am not going to smile and always say yes ! *hmhph* Geramnya
Friday, 16 December 2005
Thursday, 15 December 2005
The conversation started gently, I told her, after consensus , sheetal and I (NOT WAJID) think the newsletter can be written in format. Avni disagreed straightaway. She took out our previous newsletter and said that it's hard to put it in column because we have graphS, tables to show in the newsletter ( not a good excuse to me) then she challenged me and said, if you can rearrage the January 2005 issue in 2 columns and show me and I will decide. She got frustrated and said I can't believe that you even want to start this argument, it's a waste of time, and you have nothing else better to do.
I argued that most of the academic pharmacy papers are in 2 columns, like Merec ,(as shown below) and even British Medical Journals are in columns, with their graphs and tables ! AND it has been proven that shorter sentences like 2 columns in a A4 paper are more likely to be read rather than just one column. Well, at least to my knowledge, that was what I have been told, if not why all the clinical trial papers in journals and even newspapers have MORE than one column on one page. I am making an evidence based fact!
I got a bit heated up when she challenged me to rearrange the past issue of our newsletter in 2 columns and showed it to her. I kept quiet but it's shown on my face. My heart was beating fast and I could feel my palpitation. I get that when I am frustrated or afraid. I said let's agreed on the outcome, what will happen when I manage to rearrange them in 2 columns. She said I will look at it and decide.I immediately arranged it in two columns, i even save some space! After i have done it, i decided to take a break and cool down.
So I went out and had my sandwich for lunch and I talked to God about this matter.
When I came back from lunch, I printed out my revised version and gave it to her.
She said can u leave it on my desk and I will look at it. Few minutes later, we received our mail, and pharmacy flyer from the national pharmacy association arrived. She showed it to me and said look at how they arrange it (which was clearly in 2 columns and a table,) the exact same format like I have arranged. So I referred to what I have done in the newsletter which she didn't look at it yet. Then she said : Oh, okay I guess now that you have done it, I can visualize it and I can see it better. Tell Sheetal, she will know how to do it in 2 columns. She just changed and said that she can visualize it when I told her ( *Duh* ) , compared to the fact that I was stupid enough to even raise this issue with her. I also said ya, I guess I should have done it and showed it to you instead of just saying it, it's easier when you can see it and get my point. ( *gulp* ) In the end, she admitted that she personally doesn't like to read things in column. I said all our textbooks, including our pharmacology and our drugs bible are in columns. She said ya, I just don't like it. ( Oh ya, so it's all your own decision that you don't like it, so everyone has to follow your way la )
Then there is this Wajid commenting that oh the gp can't see your emphasis if you made it in two columns (do you know what you are talking about? Make your argument stronger la ) I didn't sound please at all, I just said the table remained unchanged, letters in bold will still be in bold, nothing changed, just that sentences are shorter (get it? )
Avni said we have decided it's gona be 2 columns. Then no one said a word. The dynamics in our team is very interesting, she is the lead of our team , eventhough our job title are all the same. Sheetal works under her, eventhough she preferred it to be in 2 columns, she didn't make her point strong enough today in front of her, she didn't back me up much. So I am the ugly one lo (Cantonese saying). Wajid is a yes man, he wouldn't say no when she says yes. Avni obviously corrected and helped him in many ways. Me, I have nothing against her, I respect her and admire her capability like I wrote yesterday, I think without her, this whole team will fall apart, that I totally agree, even I have to learn a lot from her.
BUT, I think decision should be made jointly and I just wanted to prove my point. It doesn't matter whether what the outcome of the decision is, I just want to get my point across and heard. This whole team is not only her, and she is very vocal and she say out loud things that she doesn't like. Avni is not my manager, she is not above me, she is more experienced in this job and I do listen to her and obey her. But I will also voice out my suggestion even when she doesn't agree to it. I am not a sheep, I can voice out my opinion and how to make things better. To be honest, I don't care, I know I can't please everyone and I don't care even I am popular on this floor or not. I just do my things right and get things done. I DON'T CARE !
I know I am still young in this area, I am not good at communicating well and I got heated up quickly and my tone of voice goes before my feelings, and I will start to say it really quickly and lost my calmness. I have to learn more.
I am feeling much better now and more lesson on communication.
Tuesday, 13 December 2005
Miss D: How often do you shower?
Kiwi: once a day
Miss D: what about after the show
Miss D: do you use moisturizer after you shave? etc...
At first when she asked about the show, i kinda knew what she meant but not really sure, partly because i couldn't believe she asked that in front of everyone else. After the lunch, our team left and Wajiid a man said that it's too much and the most important thing about 2 people in love is the meeting of two minds. You might get two hygienic people together but they can't get along. I nodded and agreed.
Then, avni said she doesn; agree: she said : i'm sorry but i think appearance count.. then Sheetal said yea, you share the bed with your partner and you sleep with them. Avni then went on and said she get pissed on with men who are shabby and she just doesn't feel like talking to them. Well, interesting conversation, not a new topic. Then went on to make up, not too much but should be presentable and neat.
My view? yes to both. Not too much ont he external, but be a good steward of the body that God has given us, and of course, like MsMatch will say out loud, inner beauty and character is the most important. =) cheers!
I, on the other hand, need to learn... GP visit wasn't good at all, i didn't have enough time to prepare, Avni just told me before i left for EPact, and my poor slow laptop can't run EPact, because i have no java installed, had to swap desk with Avni, not comfortable, so my background prescribing info wasn't perfect. A lot of gaps in my knowledge and experience, hence lack of confidence. My ex- chief pharmacist used to say we have to be ocnfident in what you say, whether you are right or wrong. In other words, if you are wrong, you have to be confidently wrong. Till now, i still can't do it.
Common reaction when asked about his particular high prescribing trend on high cost drugs: they blame the locum doctor who is always absent ( not surprised),started by the consultant in hospital, can't swap it, or patient demand that they want to be on it. Now that i work with Gp, i come to know that the real 'boss' is not the doctors, it's the patients. Doctors give whatever the patient wants.I just have to take their word for it. Even in meetings, i notice people blamed it on people who was not at the meeting. Classic human nature : blame and let someone be the scapegoat. Someone just have to be accounted for the wrongs or mistakes. Not a surprise that Jesus was the scapegoat for our sins.
Sometimes i wonder, Avni is a spoilt brat, youngest in the family and i have come to this own conclusion that the youngest in the family are usually the outgoing, chatty ones.Meaning, i hope that with time i can learn the strength in her and build a good rapport with my clients. I hope that with time, i can improve on my negotiation and influencing skills and learn how to comunicate wisely to my valuable clients. i.e. doctors. tough tough..
one thing for sure, i noticed that i am less gullible and innocent now that i am in the real world
Monday, 12 December 2005
Took a train from kings cross to Newcastle, slept all the way, 3 1/2 journey, was worried that i overslept, but Thank God, my neighbour is going to newcastle as well, glasgow (Scotland) is the last stop you see... don't wanna end up in scotland..
Found my way to Swallow hotel, took a metro from newcastla central st. to jesmond hotel.Taking the metro in newcastle makes me forget that i am in the Uk, it really looks like those metro in Europe
Had dinner on my own, taking photos of each of my dishes for dinner, nothing else better to do you see, even took a photo of myself using my 3G camera phone. I enjoyed the food, had cream of mushroom for starter, salmon and mussel in white wine sauce and chocolate torte. Full, more on the hips and waist. Ha! Well, at least i don't have to worry what to cook and i don't have to wash,
had a guilty trip to the gym, too full to be on the treadmill. Documentary was on the TV on spiders, how they use their silk to build their web, some even with three dimension web , and also how they mate and how silk was used to carry and protect their newborn. Amazing world that God has created. Like Wajid, my colleague said to me : " people look at the amazing creation and say wow, this is beautiful, they praise the creation. But people forget to praise the CREATOR who creates such amazing beautiful world. How does the lava know that 16 degree is the temperature for them to hatch? Who puts all this in order?" a good reminder for me that i am so small .. When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
5 You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor. Psalm 8
Epact , a software that summarises GP's prescribing and trend
dead boring, had difficulty keeping myself awake. The man who taught was alright, but i was just bored.
went to the gym after lesson,treadmill, steam room, sauna, had a nap, put on a mask and did my facial as well. Dead hungry but the restaurant only opens at 8 30 pm ! Dead hungry, called Ming kim, chat for a while. He is under stress, boss scolded him with foul language, not behaving professionally, not happy at his job. Encouraged him to write a complaint letter if he can't take it anymore. We are all adults now and should be respected. There is this notice board in the tube station that says that underground staff will not tolerate any verbal or physcial abuse. Why should we? I haven't changed much, i just learn and realised that we should treat each other with respect, from the CEO of the company to the housekeepers. We are all equal regardless of what we do. We need each other okay. If my boss ever shout at me with foul language, i will not do the same to him, i will keep cool and give him verbal warning that i don't like to be treated this way. To be honest, being in the NHS, it happens less, at least to my limited knowledge.
Dinner was not as great as last night, but no complain, a bit sick of english food, so creamy and fillinf and fattening.. aiya....
more interesting at training, learning new stuff, took train back to london. Train was late, took my sony camera and snap photos of the train station for about 45 minutes. Starving, had whooper junior, miss my rice already..realised that camera is my faithful friend. It has been a while since i travelled alone, good to be alone at times.
Called Angel on the train, yea her name is angel, she is going back to Ipoh for an operation on her spinal cord, taking the screws out. Poor girl, about my age, but told me she found her man. Good for her. Always enjoying catching up with friends. Wonderful feeling.Good to be back in London, watched HK Soap... slept.
Saturday: MCC meeting
Went to Uncle Tony;s house for Malaysian Christian Conference committee meeting, good to meet and discuss and organise this annual event. Haven't made my decision as to stay the whole conference or not, feel bad, since i am one of the committees. Shared with Markjit on the way home about my feelings on unfulfilled and my struggles.Home and more soap. Finished one finally. Enjoyed it, nice plot, same theme : Why does the evil flourish and get away with everything while the righteous ones suffer and die. Reminds me of psalm.
Receive e-mail from lexin, feel good to be in touch with old friends, been in school with her from the age of 7 to 17. =)
Sunday: Children ministry
Spent the morning at children church, might volunteer and help out in the children sunday school starting next year. They need people to help out. Not sure i can handle BBC kids, no offence, but they are brought up very differently from my generation. I will try.
2pm: Second hand mini-sale
Church organised this mini-sale to raise fund for our church. Enjoyed myself, as i was selling necklace, rings and earings. woman... need to praise them so much before they want to spend �1 on the handmade rings.. but i enjoyed chatting and persuading them =)
Saturday, 10 December 2005
I told Meiling that i am getting old and i can no longer stand the winter in uk as i used to... she laughed. you getting old? you must bs joking.
Signs of ageing in irene:
*1 : i can no longer stay up late when i stayed over at friend's place, or when i attend conference or camp
*2: i cannot wake up late, early wakening at 7 or 9 the most
*3: i think of old days in schools,my childhood friends,and i make an effort to keep in touch with my old friends. I love my old friends because i get really comfortable with them and there is a mutual understanding
*4: i can't stand the cold and i make no plans in retiring in the UK
*5: i miss home..... another year gone, another year closer to see my Heavenly Father..
i am imagining my life waking up to go to work, looking at my watch and hoping it's five, while at the same time hoping to meet deadlines, finish work, go home, cut garlic or onion, pork, beef or chicken, whatever i feel like eating, cook, wash via manually or dishwasher if i am lucky, watch tv or soap, or reading, or chat on the phone to catch up, then sleep, maybe some nights attending bible study, that's monday to friday , then saturday, wake up a bit late, eat breakfast/brunch, groceries shopping, for me, harvester band practice, lunch or coffee with friends, dead tired and sleepy, go home, cook dinner then sleep, wake up early sunday morning, go to church, meet my family ,a happy place to be, stayed and helped out in the afternoon, exhausted to cook, dinner out or takeaway...
at the moment, i must say , i am not feeling fulfilled... why? i don't know.. no.1 can't imagine doing the job i am doing till i am 67 (UK has increased the pension age from 65 to 67 , not enough working people to support elderly people, and also those who can afford to drink beer yet not working *ahem* )
After talking to Mark Jit, i think i need a place in a community where i can really connect to people, where we can share lives together, encourage each other with God's word, share God's love, cry together, just to be THere.,.. be Present as Henri Nouwen would say, i want to go to the broken hearted and the hopeless and cry with them , because i want to feel their pain to.
I am serving in the church, but i am not doing the things that i am passionate about, I want to care and be a friend to the lonely because i know how they feel. I want to share my life with the lost because i feel lost at time too.
I am still searching.. still finding my feet..
There must be more than God can offer through me ... where are the recipients of God's love? where where?
Wednesday, 7 December 2005
Got on the bus, and guess what? This conversation between a passenger and bus driver was begining to heat up :
Mr, Driver : Get off the bus please, the bus if full ( which to me it wasn't full at all, since Mr European could get on the bus)
Mr. European (from his accent, sounds like turkish) : There is plenty of room for everyone and i have to get to work
Mr. Driver: I said get off the bus, the bus is full
Mr. European: why should i get off the bus? i bought my ticket. You are a racist. Why only me?
The bus driver stopped the bus and everyone was listening .....
Mrs Anger ( a lady passenger) : Just get off the bus, you are delaying all of us
Mr. European: no i am not, i have a travelcard just like you
Mr. Driver: hey everyone, this guy here is delaying all of you because he refused to get off the bus
This goes back and forth for sometime, everyone was stuck ...and more passengers hated Mr. European.
Mrs Anger: get off the bus, before all of us pushes you off.
Mr. European: don't shout at me
Mrs. Anger: you are rude to the bus driver first, he asked you to get off the bus !!!!! ( which i don't agree)
After that, the rest of us left the bus, and caught the next bus, so did Mr. European. Mr. Driver followed him and told the next bus driver that he has called the police and asked him to get off the next bus. Now the crowd who were there with him hated him even more. In the end Mr. European was denied the service by another bus driver all because of M.r Driver.
I was late to work, but that is beside the point. I pitied Mr. European as i think ht was not rude, and he didn't raise his voice. It seemed to me that the bus driver was making a mountain out of mole hill. I don't like the driver. To me, the bus wasn;t that full, if it was, Mr. European couldn't have managed to get on the bus. Also, i think he should just drive everyone instead of refusing to drive and causing this tension, and making everyone in the bus hate Mr. European. I also don't like him because he called the police. Mr. European said the driver was racist, which i have no comment on that because i can't see his heart. Maybe it's just by conincidence that he was the last one, also M.r European was white in colour, if he doesn't speak. Also, by the end of the day , to me, police are still human being and it's still pretty much subjective. Going to the police might not result in justice all the time, ultimately they are still human and their judgement is based on their own bias, perception, value system, own experience. To me, Mr. European was right, why should he get off the bus? there is still room for everyone. Trust me, i have been on the bus that i couldn't even move.
If I was Mr. European, i will try to be soft first and act pity and say " i know it's full, but please can you let me off just this time, i need your kindness so that i can go to work. Please Please. " you won't believe this, but i will first beg. If he refuses, i will ask for his name and get off the bus. I will take another bus and i will write a complain letter to the company. Being in the UK has taught me to put my complaints in writing. No point arguing with him and make people hate you. Like chinese saying, you don't use Gun in obvious, you use Arrow in secret. I said it not in the mean way, just use the method that is most effectively. Be more far sighted.
Well the lesson from this real life encounter is patience. It go heated up because each party demand on their own right, and not willing to let go. So is all frienships and relationships, i can hear my friend saying. It's always give and take. No one is perfect, but subconsciously, we have this expectation that people are perfect and we can't take it when things dont turn out perfectly and we have to train our body system to accept and cope with it. Another issue is SELFISHNESS, with a big I in the middle. YOu have to satisfy me, You have to say sorry to me YOU you YOU. Jesus was such a radical figure that he said Others come first. Giving comes before receiving. Humility not pride. Joy comes from loving and helping others, not satisfying yourself. Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you, forgive them like how Father in heaven forgive you. Love covers all sin, love not hate, bear each other's burden,
Love is patient and kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs,does not delight in evil, rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres.
BTW, we can't love without being loved by the unchanging unconditional love. It's only when i am loved that i know the meaning of love, that i can love others with my imperfect love.
�2 Corinthians 7:10
Conviction of sin is best described in the words:
My sins, my sins, my Savior,
How sad on Thee they fall.
Conviction of sin is one of the most uncommon things that ever happens to a person. It is the beginning of an understanding of God. Jesus Christ said that when the Holy Spirit came He would convict people of sin (see John 16:8 ). And when the Holy Spirit stirs a person�s conscience and brings him into the presence of God, it is not that person�s relationship with others that bothers him but his relationship with God� "Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in your sight . . ." ( Psalm 51:4 ). The wonders of conviction of sin, forgiveness, and holiness are so interwoven that it is only the forgiven person who is truly holy. He proves he is forgiven by being the opposite of what he was previously, by the grace of God. Repentance always brings a person to the point of saying, "I have sinned." The surest sign that God is at work in his life is when he says that and means it. Anything less is simply sorrow for having made foolish mistakes� a reflex action caused by self-disgust.
The entrance into the kingdom of God is through the sharp, sudden pains of repentance colliding with man�s respectable "goodness." Then the Holy Spirit, who produces these struggles, begins the formation of the Son of God in the person�s life (see Galatians 4:19 ). This new life will reveal itself in conscious repentance followed by unconscious holiness, never the other way around. The foundation of Christianity is repentance. Strictly speaking, a person cannot repent when he chooses� repentance is a gift of God. The old Puritans used to pray for "the gift of tears." If you ever cease to understand the value of repentance, you allow yourself to remain in sin. Examine yourself to see if you have forgotten how to be truly repentant.
Oswald Chambers was born in Scotland and spent much of his boyhood there. His ministry of teaching and preaching took him for a time to the United States and Japan. The last six years of his life were spent as principal of the Bible Training College in London, and as a chaplain to the British Commonwealth troops in Egypt during World War I. After his death, the books which bear his name were compiled by his wife from her own verbatim shorthand notes of his talks.
Tuesday, 6 December 2005
Last Sunday, our bible study group discussed the qualities of Jesus and one of the many qualities that we would like to have in us to begin with. I chose patience because I know I am very impatient.
We had harvester practice last Saturday for recording. I am the pianist for a band in our church and harvester is the name of our band. We record our own songs into CDs and give it to people who attended our church service for the first time as souveniers. For this particular song, we practiced the previous Saturday, me, Mr Drummer, Mr Basist, and Mr Beethoven So, that is the background information.
So, last Saturday the 3rd, Mr BigD vocal attended our practice. He is like the wind� of our band, no one knows whether he is coming to the practice, when he will turn up and when he doesn�t. In other words, no accountability or whatsoever, he comes whenever he likes. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, or Coincidentally, he appeared when we decided to record the song.
Back to my story, Drummer and I played the song for BigD and BigFu who weren�t here previous week. This conversation started :
BiGD: this song sounds like a children song , but the lyrics are quite sophiscated
Mr. Beethoven (who composed the song) humbly replied: Ya���
BigD: I feel that this song shouldn�t be arranged like this.
I (me) : So do you have a better suggestion? ( After our 2 hours practice last week when you were not here and you not knowing the song? )
BigD: Er, I am still thinking, I am still not familiar with the song
We continue to run the song so that the absentees have a hang of the song before any suggestion. *ahem After playing once or twice,
BigD: hmnn it sounds better, not as bad
I : It�s the same thing, we didn�t change the way we play (boiling )
We continued playing, but it�s boiling inside.. In the end, I stopped playing and said:
I would like to express my feeling. Everyone stopped and waited for me to speak.
� I am not very happy . BigD commented that the song sounds like a children song, I think you should respect Beethoven for composing the song.
BigD: He himself agreed as well
I: Still? He is just being kind, don�t you think you should pay some respect to him? You were not here last week when we practiced, and our arrangement was a group effort. Here you are, just arrived, not knowing anything, and started criticizing that this is not good enough, we are not doing right, it should be played the other way. My voice started to shake�.. Where were you when we practiced? You never replied our e-mails, we don�t even know you are in London or somewhere else. You only come whenever you feel like it � I burst into tears !!!! ;(( My eye liner and mascara smudged and I looked ugly ! To be honest, I have no idea why I was so emotional and I seriously didn�t expect myself to burst into tears. How embarrassing1 Initially, I was just meant to say it gently in a non-confrontational way, but alas.. look, it�s a pit now !
Then I looked at BigFu, who is our leader and said : � don�t you have anything to say?
Okay,ten minutes break for everyone.
I went into the loo and sobbed. When I came out, BigD was on his way out. He left.
We then sat down, they cracked some jokes to cheer me and leader said that BigD is going through a cocktail of personal problems. We prayed for him and some prayed for me. I felt heavy the wholeday, because I felt that I have upset someone, eventhough all the things I said were true.
BigFu said, in the future, I should pull him aside and talk to him privately, that is more biblical than not giving him face in front of the whole team. Well in the end, I msged BigD and apologised, he apologised for making me cry (eventhough that was involuntary movement) I was upset at myself, I felt ugly and realised I am so flawed with my impatience and outburst. I will definitely not do it ever again. I will do some deep breath and count from 1 to 100.
A lesson learnt� I need the renewed life in Christ to mould and shape me. I don�t know whether I did the right thing, but I meant well because I appreciate team work and I want a sincere relationship within the team.
Romans 7: 17
17But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! 18I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. 19I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. 20My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. 22I truly delight in God's commands, 23but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
That was Saturday morning, 11 am.
#2: Sunday morning 8 am
Albert�s tyre punctured. We were supposed to leave for church at 8 am, but he found out that his tyre went flat, called Teddy bear so that he can go to church early on albert�s behalf to sort out the PA system for the church. Prayed hard that morning, he managed to change the tyre in a short time.
#3: Penalty Charge Sunday 7pm
When albert went to collect his car to go home, something was stuck between the wipers : penalty charge. �50, reason? The car was parked on a zigzag white lines according to the police. BUT BUT two rules applied at the same time, as there was this yellow single line, (which we always park on Sunday,) and this zigzag ( where parking is prohibited) on the same spot!!! Aiya.. so �hak� (Cantonese for black, meaning unlucky) Albert is going to write to the council and argue , we as taxpayers, paid so much tax, and they can�t even draw lines on the road properly. Geram la.
Yellow line and white zigzag crossover, poor drawing !
#4: Gas leak Monday 7am
Woke up this morning as usual, switched on my argos, oil-filled radiator and then I heard some noise and oil was leaking from this radiator, and my whole room was filled with gas and it stunk.. I panicked !!! Opened all the windows, went downstairs, open main door, carried my radiator to the doorstep to air it. Spent the rest of the morning cleaning the oil stain on my carpet, breathing in foul smelling . Thank Gor for Albert, he came over with his STAIN DEVIL, sprayed it on the carpet, and he sent me to work in his car. I kept on sniffing myself for the rest of the day, to ensure that I don�t bring the odour into this open plan office.
*Sigh* such lovely radiator, keeps me warm in winter, YET, when it decided to break down, it just did, regardless of who are you. Unpredictable, just like life and human beings.
Was quite down for the rest of the day, been thinking a lot about my old friends and my old days in MC.
Went to East Finhcley to look at a room for rental, thinking of moving. Pleasant and cozy BUT it�s next to the track, each time the tube passess, my room will shake and I don� think I can sleep. Too bad, no chance for moving. Back to my room. Did more cleaning on the oil stain, bought a new Carpet Vanish, finished 2/3 of it. The room smelt better, but not 100 % yet. This is mentally stressful and physically exhausting. That is the definition of accident kua.
Vanish Carpet Spray which neutralises odour
Radiator next to my bed
cable was oily
I am glad it�s Tuesday, new day, new beginning, new possibilities. Violet reminded me tolook forward and move on....
Friday, 2 December 2005
After thinking about it for few days, i came to this conclusion that i can only know him through his blog, not in person because he doesn't welcome me to his real life, eventhough both of us are in London. Like Waikea said, could it be personality crash? or we are afraid to be hurt by being close to our friends. Hence, by reading about him, i can know him from a distance and that is guaranteed a "safe" distance. Of course, connection and friendships are always two-ways.
#1: Blogging :
I can remember very clearly the times when I first started this blog, not knowing anything, SY spent a lot of time helping me, including the template, how to insert netstat and comment link. Those days, back in 2002, the template wasn�t as handy as now. We have to put out comment link manually in the template. I never have thought that it will be come an �in� thing to do. SY was the one who introduced me to this.
#2: SONY camera:
I am a sony fan and I am proud of it. I bought my digital camera last year, and needless to say, it�s SONY DSC V-1. I was influenced by SY because she used to have a sony digital camera in 2002, and it was quite a porsh one with really long lens. She took a lot of photos with it, esp when we went out together and I wished I have one on my own. My ex-colleague Mei, Niina and Bern will tell you how I used to say � It�s a Sony � in the dispensary.
#3: Camper shoe: SY used to have a pair of blue Camper shoe which she wore almost everyday. I remember her telling me if you wanna buy shoe, buy camper. It�s super comfortable. Being a student then, I couldn�t afford �85 for a pair of shoe. When I was a pre-registration trainee pharmacist, I still couldn�t afford. I finally bought it last year Christmas. I bought a pair of brown Camper, where Kaye, my friend bought a pink one. I regretted buying brown because the colour faded soon after 3 months of wearing it. Kaye's pink shoe still looked good. I am still wearing my Camper everyday to work, when I went travelling in HK, China and Malaysia. I thought of writing this because Albert, being a man, showed me how to polish my shoe and he did it for me. Looking at my Camper reminded me of SY.
2002 was my first year in London and it remained my best year till now. I spent most of the time with SY sharing every single details of my life. Three other factors were that I was a happy student , I lived in the student halls with lots of friends just next-door and I didn�t have to cook God has been very good to me, there will always be one person, other than God himself, to help and encourage feeble Irene when she is in London. First year was SY, then Minnie and Kmeng when I was in my pre-reg training days, then Kmeng and Yvonne when I moved back to London. Now that Kmeng has left, it�s Albert and Yan hui. I am grateful.
Oh ,BTW, I need time to get used to eating lunch on my desk in the office. I miss Ipoh HOR FUN !
Thursday, 1 December 2005
- my housemate can e-mail her friends often and stay in touch
- she whispers on the phone when I call her
- she can surf the internet and print out stuff
- she can have tea break anytime of the day, and it�s free
- she can go to work anytime as long as she gets her work done
- she doesn�t have to pay for her company�s Christmas dinner party at some porsh hotel in london
- An office in a hospital, school, or other institution from which medical supplies, preparations, and treatments are dispensed.
- A public institution that dispenses medicines or medical
Wa la, I didn�t know dispensary is an office as well? Right, let me rephrase my question, how is the office in hospital different from the other Office?
- Dispensary is full of drugs, ie. Medication
- I stand when I am working, vs sitting
- I have timetable for tea break and lunch break, first tea break is 1015 and second 1030, first lunch is 1230 for 45 minutes, and second 115.
- I can only go for my tea/lunch break only if the first has come back, and vice versa
- I can only do my personal e-mailing during breaks and I have to sacrifice my tea or lunch break
- I have to fill in a late book if I come in late ( which I never bother to do and I am always late ), ironically, but the time when I leave
- I am not allowed to use my mobile phone during working hours, it should be on silence
- I have to put int �1 every month for tea money, or 20p for each cup, if not I am not allowed to have them (unfortunately, it�s not under NHS)
- I have to pay our hospital�s Christmas dinner , with no sponsorship at all
So, with that as a background, let me explain what I did when I was working as a clinical pharmacist in a hospital. I checked the medication before it went out to the patients. I checked the label, whether the words and directions, names were correct, I counted the tablets to ensure the right quantity was given and I signed on the label that I have checked the medication. I called the doctor when I wasn't happy with the medication that he prescribed, and advised him on the right one. I cleaned up his errors and his careless mistakes, yet I couldn'�t tell the patient that his doctor was dodgy.
Patient: You are giving me the wrong tablets? My doctor said he has changed my tablets from the pink one to the blue one. What is wrong with you ?
Pharmacist: Sorry, the blue one does not come in 10mg, only the pink one does. (your doctor doesn�t know what he is writing, and he is killing you) I need to contact your doctor. It might take a while. Especially if he is seeing another patient at the moment. I am waiting for him to call me back. (sounded very apologetically, but it was not my fault!! )
Patient gave me an impatient look and stared at me ,#hmph I am in a hurry you know!!#
AIYA, this doctor, don�t know what he is writing, no such thing as 10mg , the blue tablet is 20mg LAR.
Pharmacist: Hello Dr, so (and-so) , I am calling to query about MR. B medication, he told me that you have changed one of his tablets from pink to blue. The pink tablet is 10mg and the blue is 20mg.
Doctor: Oh is it? (Your oh-is-it can kill people, do you know that? ) Yea, change it to 20mg then.
Sounds simple ya? Patient handed in the prescription and expected his tablets to be ready in 10 minutes. 10 minutes? For the pharmacist to screen and check the dose is correct for each medication? To locate the doctor, sometimes they are not on-site, call them, wait for them to return call, which they don�t do it immediately, to key in medication information into the computer, print the labels, dispenser to get the medication from the shelf, count them, put them into boxes, pharmacist have to check the labels is correct, patient name printed alright, count the tablets, answer the phone , got distracted, start the whole process again, then give it out to patient. All this in 10 minutes? You must be joking, I am not a superwoman you know, even if I am, my colleagues aren�t !
In a nutshell, that was what I used to do, day in day out. All this is the harvest of :
#1: completing my tough tough 3 years pharmacy degree, studying about human body and memorising the drug/medication name which doesn�t make sense at all, #2:finished my dad�s savings, then #3: another �15k for my masters in clinical pharmacy, international practice and policy, hoping to raise my profile to have more satisfaction than counting tablets in dispensary, #4: doing my second year of training in UK, repeated another 8 papers equivalent of 4th year UK degree, because I qualified in Malaysia. In the end, what do I get? Back to square one, dispensary. (yea, you are right, no one asked me to go through all the trouble, i am not complaining, i am just laying out my career direction okay? )
That was the reason why I left hospital. I haven�t mentioned on-call, 24hours contactable for 1 week.. Any tom, dick or harry (nurses) calling me when they can�t find their medication on the ward where most of the time, they just don�t know how to read drug names ! Sometimes, demanding me to go in all the way from my house to the hospital on public transport, walk, tube, then bus and then walk, just to supply tablets to the patients. Why did they run short? Because they forgot to order them when the pharmacy was open!!!
AAARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I HATE PHARMACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!I HATE HOSPITALSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So, here I am , still a pharmacist, but working on a different level. I am working in a proper office like everyone else. 1. Flexible hours, i can come in and 9 14 and leave at 514, as long as i get my work done 2. i have to speak to my friends softly on the phone, it;s open plan office you see 3. I can drink whenever i want and wee whenever i want BUT, I miss standing and chatting. Now I type more than anything and I communicate via the computer. I stare at my computer more than I stare at human faces. And I Read, policies, information, till I see Andy Lau on my paper and I woke up ! (figure of speechlar). I visit GPs and check on their prescribing. I pay them if they reach our target. I think strategically to improve public health, encourage flu vaccination uptake in surgeries and pharmacies. I don�t see patients and I don�t have to count tablets. But I am afraid that my bums are getting bigger.. so big that I can no longer fit into my chair�.
That is what I do now that I am a prescribing advisor. Nothing to complain, pay is good and I don�t have to on-call, don�t have to be irritated by nurses. Aiya. But i still prefer to talk and see clients than to sit, read and type. Let me repeat, i am not complaining. I am grateful for my job, it's great, its different , and i am learning different things. This is where i came from and where i am now. This is for my own reference 30 years later.