Saturday, 10 December 2005


unfulfilled is a horrible feeling and i don't like it ..

i am imagining my life waking up to go to work, looking at my watch and hoping it's five, while at the same time hoping to meet deadlines, finish work, go home, cut garlic or onion, pork, beef or chicken, whatever i feel like eating, cook, wash via manually or dishwasher if i am lucky, watch tv or soap, or reading, or chat on the phone to catch up, then sleep, maybe some nights attending bible study, that's monday to friday , then saturday, wake up a bit late, eat breakfast/brunch, groceries shopping, for me, harvester band practice, lunch or coffee with friends, dead tired and sleepy, go home, cook dinner then sleep, wake up early sunday morning, go to church, meet my family ,a happy place to be, stayed and helped out in the afternoon, exhausted to cook, dinner out or takeaway...

at the moment, i must say , i am not feeling fulfilled... why? i don't know.. no.1 can't imagine doing the job i am doing till i am 67 (UK has increased the pension age from 65 to 67 , not enough working people to support elderly people, and also those who can afford to drink beer yet not working *ahem* )

After talking to Mark Jit, i think i need a place in a community where i can really connect to people, where we can share lives together, encourage each other with God's word, share God's love, cry together, just to be THere.,.. be Present as Henri Nouwen would say, i want to go to the broken hearted and the hopeless and cry with them , because i want to feel their pain to.

I am serving in the church, but i am not doing the things that i am passionate about, I want to care and be a friend to the lonely because i know how they feel. I want to share my life with the lost because i feel lost at time too.

I am still searching.. still finding my feet..

There must be more than God can offer through me ... where are the recipients of God's love? where where?

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