Friday, 11 November 2005

family and I

A lot has happened since i parted with SY in London. Read her blog yesterday and triggered a lot of introspection. My memories became the lens that i viewed my life since we parted. That was the first trigger. Second trigger was my 1 week intensive holiday back to KL, with my family. I cried a lot, from KLIA, to the plane, to London. I miss home.... My sister-in-law told me i am very blessed to have a mum who gave herself unconditionally, 100 % for my well-being. My mum = sacrifical giving. I teared, my eyes swollen from too much crying. I owed her so much. I could never give enough for all that she has sacrificed for me. Guilt washed over me. So much insensitive things i have said, rebellious behaviour , clash of personality and opinion, of never giving her face and respect that is due. So much I in me. I feel so guilty now. I want to repent. I asked for forgiveness from her and i want to start a new Me.

I made a point to call her more often, whenever i can, just to chat like a friend.

Kaye mailed me and told me that family is the most important bond, my husband my leave me, but i know for sure that my family won't. That was what my sister-in-law and my eldest brother told me the night before i flew back to UK. I could never forget the tap on my shoulder from my second brother at the airport when he was about to leave. I could feel his emotions and his love for me when he tapped me. I know things will be different if i were in KL. I wouldn't feel it so much because i am with them all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So much changes i want to make in my family, from my father's illnesses, my brothers' businesses. I wish i have a magic wand on my hand. I wish i can make my dad's pain go away, support my brothers in their businesses, i wish the dream that they have pursued all this years can be materialised. I hope my brother will meet Christ face to face and be born again, his life transformed by Christ. I hope i am more tolerant, always gentle and joyful in crisis. I hope... I wish i have a dream to pursue like everyone else. I wish i have a direction in my life that i can work on. I wish i take more interest in life and enjoy my life like everyone else. what should i do with my life? what is the content of my life? How should i spend my time? What should i think about?

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