Tuesday, 24 February 2004

Changes and providence

Praise God! I was greatly encouraged and refreshed this morning when i had my quiet time in His words and prayers.I read about Genesis 1:3-5, God made the light and darkness, day and night. Matthew Henry commented that changes in circumstances are inevitable.It is in the changes that we experience God's providence and grace. This hit me.I am in the process of changes, constant changes of circumstances and people that i meet.Friends leave me for Malaysia.. etc... I am encouraged that God will continue to provide and take care of me...

Monday, 23 February 2004

Digital Camera

Ha i am happy today, after months of contemplation, i have finally decided to buy SONY DSC V1. I bought it online today and i shall receive my new toy within days. I am happy.. Yeah !
U need space?

I am a mixture of introvert and extrovert.I sometimes enjoying spending time with myself and sometimes i long for company. It's a pity sometimes when i want to bridge the gap with another being and it didn't work. Chemisty i guess.Someone said that our interaction should be close and yet distant. I interpret that as there are boundaries that we should not cross and i should keep my friends at a distance that is comfortable to them as well as to myself.Sometimes i would go closer... but another being would like more space.

My journey so far has been bumpy, in terms of friendship.I just need to find my own balance between independent and dependent.That is my challenge.

To be honest, i long for an intimate friendship but it's hard to come by nowadays, especially in London where people seldom stay for long,well at least they don't stay long in my life. Henri Nouwen encouraged me that my heart should be a place where people are free to come in and leave. I am learning to be a good host and appreciate the gifts that all the visitors bring with them.

Thursday, 12 February 2004

Do you have an issue? --SILENCE

My boss asked me yesterday in private whether i have any issues working here, anything i am not happy about or any suggestions or comments? She said that because she finds that i am very quiet and i don't have much to say when work is concern.I am bubbly in other social conversations. I think she is not comfortable about me being quiet when i am with her.I don't talk much to her.She is a very bubbly and outgoing person, perfect for PR and networking as a manager.

She asked me again today whether i have a problem with her personally. I said no and smiled. I have nothing against her, no grudge.I dare not judge because God is the only judge.I guess i am communicating with my silence.. but apart from my silence i do not how to behave. I hope there is nothing wrong with silence.Silence because i have nothing to say and i do not want to sin with my mouth especially when i am unsure about myself. It's okay.. i just want to make this entry to remind myself what i experienced in this hospital before my next job.

Received mum's letter two nights ago.Been reaching home about 10-11 pm every night this week.Met up with my friend on Tuesday whom i have not seen for 2 years. She is going back for good this October and she has kindly to offer to teach me singing next Tuesday at Cutty sark... look forwad to having singing lessons. I enjoy singing more than playing on the piano.WHy? because there's a lot of tears and stress in my journey of playing the piano... "i am not good enough, not talented at all, hopeless in hearing and rhythm..." the Good news is God by His grace and mercy has given me the luxury of attending piano classes, finished my 8 grade and now playing for a church.No room to boast except for God's grace and mercy because by knowing more of God, He has shed light into my perspective on reality and knowing my self in His light.I am a nobody , nothing .. like grass, here today gone tomorrow, a body with a breath which is dependent on Him.

Reality... and mum... i dread to read mum's letter when i received it. Don't get me wrong, i dread it because i always tear or cry after reading them. It's painful because my mum is very transparent and honest about her disappointment with things around her, not me in particular.. just her thoughts, her regrets in her life. It's painful because i can feel the pain embeded in her words. Well, don't we all have our regrets? I guess regrets become closer as we grow older.
Mum's letter reminds me about reality... reality about Malaysia and my family. Reality that ignorance is not a bliss.I have a burden to carry, a responsibility to fulfil to my family.It's real but i sometimes forget them when i am here in London.

Tuesday, 10 February 2004

Friend's birthday

I dreamt of two of my primary school friends yesterday: Andrew and C Leng.Why did i dream of them?I think it's because i was pondering on their encouragement during the day.. hence..
Their birthday was in January and i wished them. They encouraged me when they told me how they appreciate me always wishing them every year all these years. I think this is the most practical way to remind them of their presence in my life and the memories that keep them close to me. That's life.. the presence in the absence ......
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